The Blame.

At age 15, I had seen all that maybe I think I wanted to know. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the “not to talk about”. A young girl living among 5 other elderly guys made me felt safe but yet lonely. A mother that comes home at a time I’m sleeping, a father that you only gets to talk to in the morning and siblings who just go around chasing every other girl they see on the media or the runway. If you are getting what I’m trying to say, I just want to say “ my childhood was just not right”

At age 23, a level 200 university student, maybe it wasn’t my decision to be single but I had a lot of breakups. For one reason or the other, I just don’t feel anyone is enough for me. Sometimes I want a dominant fatherlike boyfriend, sometimes I just don’t know. For a day or two, I would fall in love. Hold up, did I say “fall in love?” No, I lied. I just may wanna get cuddled or touched somehow. I thought it was love but as I’m writing now I know it was nothing closed to love.

My life was just a piece of Friday “let grab a drink”. I didn’t see anything wrong with going down with someone I met on the highway. I guess my brothers taught me well. Somehow I was lucky I look good so yeah as the saying goes, men don’t say no to pretty girls. My life was a party and I loved it.

Now let get real, getting close to my second semester examination was where I felt I need a break from all this party. That was when Damond got into the picture. He helped me studied, he supported me in so many ways. Yes money wise and gifts. He was one hell of a charm. He never made an advance towards me. He was so nice I could be all shy in front of him.

During the long break, we had a lot of chat, video calls and some few meet ups. I became very attached and wanted more of him. He too at a point in time but felt shy to say. He gathered courage one day and broke out of the shell. I said yes but I didn’t know if I was ready.

He’s nice, handsome, responsible, intelligent, I mean literally he’s a dream guy. But here I’m at final year with him saying “ I love you too” each time he says it. I don’t know if I love him or I just want him to be doing my assignments and being in bed with him. Yes, there have been some 2 or say 5 times I cheated but I still keep him calling him love.

No no… I’m not blaming anyone, yes I can’t blame my dad for not giving me the father love non can I blame my mum for not being there… I just can’t blame anyone for my love life… but wait can’t I blame me for my “Me” doing? Or he is not the right guy as we say? I mean who’s the right one? Can I anyways identify when I see one. Is this how love is meant to be…? I’m a confused girl and I don’t blame you for it, I don’t blame Me and I don’t know who to blame!